Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part six- extended family

According to a New York Post article extended family, namely the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship often creates real trouble in paradise for many couples.

Influential family ties can pose a real threat to the couple bubble. When we hold long lived ties with our family of origin, successfully creating space for  intimate relationships, in which we also aspire to be long-lived can be challenging. However, if want our love relationships to flourish, we have to up for the challenge.

According to a New York Post article extended family, namely the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship often creates real trouble in paradise for many couples.

Influential family ties can pose a real threat to the couple bubble. When we hold long lived ties with our family of origin, successfully creating space for intimate relationships, in which we also aspire to be long-lived can be challenging. However, if want our love relationships to flourish, we have to be up for the challenge. Read more →

When we commit to a long-term intimate relationship, we must consciously decide to put this relationship above all else. Mothers, fathers, siblings and cousins whom we have known from the day we were born often have a tremendous influence upon our life.

In some cases, the loyalty to extended family runs so deep that is feels our loyalties are split and a decision has to be made between the family we have known and our partner.

The “new” partner can then be made to feel as a newcomer or even outsider having to earn their way into the family’s graces. When this happens, it becomes the other partner’s job to ferociously defend and guard against this.

Yes, it is easier said than done, but there can be no room for error when it comes to choosing between extended family and partner. The partner must win this battle. If this applies to you or your partner, please don’t choose to die on this hill!

How can you and your partner create a failsafe plan the protects the greater good of your relationship and lets family know that you are a united front?

Address any hot spots and possible loopholes before family visits. So as not to get blind sighted by family interactions that may risk one or both partners feeling alienated, alone or angry, it is best to talk prior to family visits. Anticipate what could possibly go wrong. Talk about what needs to happen for you both to feel safe and secure in your relationship.

Vow to choose one another first. Make a pact to choose to put one another ahead of possible extended family agendas. This will involve action and what you will agree to do. A very important part of this plan should be about how you and your partner will handle disagreements with one another when family members are present in a way that will not undermine your relationship.

Repair quickly if one or both of you forget or make a mistake in enforcing what you decide as a couple. When family is around, the conversation and interaction move quickly. One minute everyone might be having fun. The next minute, maybe something happens to change that.

In the throws of what may seem like chaos, take it a point to check in with your partner verbally and nonverbally. Look at their face to make sure everything is okay. This is what responsible and securely functioning partners do for one another. And if you missed something or contributed to any way to adverse feelings in your partner when extended family is around, apologize quickly and proceed with sensitivity and care.

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