What is resourcing and how can it help your relationship with yourself and with your parter? By Jamie Woelk

Relationship with yourself and with your partner

We all know about the benefits of getting out of our comfort zones, feeling our uncomfortable feelings, and bravely initiating those difficult conversations. Given our bias toward the negative and our awareness that growth sometimes means getting uncomfortable, it’s easy to neglect the things that support us.

Resourcing and resource development are terms often used in trauma treatment. A resource is anything that supports you in adjusting and responding to life while maintaining your sense of self. Resources can be internal or external. Trauma is what happens when we don’t have enough resources to process and integrate what is happening. The more resources we have developed, the more capacity we have to respond and adjust to our internal and external worlds. Slowing down to recognize and develop resources can make it much easier, and hopefully even fun sometimes, to face the challenging parts of yourself and your relationships.  

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Why am I always so angry?!

In Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-known work, The Five Love Languages, he discusses the ways in which partners give, receive, and experience love. The book also addresses how we perceive love in relationship, and how we can actively work towards knowing what our partner wishes for in turn, and take steps to increase understanding, mutuality, and intimacy.

Oftentimes, one partner might process internally or innately need more time alone, while the other may be searching for more constant connection.  Do you find that you desire for your significant other to reach out to you more?  If this hope is unmet, do you find yourself feeling neglected and subsequently, angry or resentful. Read more

Why do I often feel like running away?!

In a study conducted by John Gottman in 1981, it was discovered that couples who report higher marital satisfaction are linked with husband’s ability to read his wife’s verbal cues. Open verbal communication is important, but a substantial portion of what makes couples thrive comes from reading between the lines and being able to understand differences in how each partner desires connection.

We all crave closeness and intimacy in our romantic relationships, but on a primal level, sometimes we want to see this this expressed differently than our partner does. Being at odds with how to go about “togetherness” and “separateness” can often create friction between lovebirds. And when left unaddressed this difference may lead to mounting frustration, and in some people, the desire to retreat. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part eight- hobbies

Everybody needs a hobby. They are an important escape from the grind. They help to boost our creativity, social network and cognitive function.

I often hear couples say things such as, “I am a golf widow on the weekends”, or “she would rather spend time going out with her friends than with me”. This speaks to me of hurt feelings and the relationship not being prioritized. Stan Tatkin calls this mismanagement of “thirds”. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part seven- pets

A study found that pets can provide a tremendous sense of belonging, social support and improvement to one’s quality of life.

As an owner of two dogs. I know firsthand how wonderfully lovable and endearing animals can be. They can lighten our mood. They can even bring people closer together. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part six- extended family

According to a New York Post article extended family, namely the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship often creates real trouble in paradise for many couples.

Influential family ties can pose a real threat to the couple bubble. When we hold long lived ties with our family of origin, successfully creating space for  intimate relationships, in which we also aspire to be long-lived can be challenging. However, if want our love relationships to flourish, we have to up for the challenge. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part five- technology

A few months ago, I read that neck and upper back problems are likely going to become more pervasive in the future due to technology. I fully own that I read this while on my phone.

According to the article, our necks will more likely prematurely wrinkle from having our head tilted down looking at our devices. Moreover, tilting our head downwards looking at technology will also more likely result in neck and upper back strain leading to muscular and skeletal problems. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship, and what you can do about it; part four- money

Discussions around money arise with virtually every couple. Topics about money can range from differing spending habits, money defining social status or being a reflection of ego, or of partners each having strong willed ideas about how money earned should be allocated.

Money is a big deal. We need it to survive. And for this reason, it can be very preoccupying.

For many people, money constitutes a belief system. It provides a conduit to bringing about joyful experiences such as travel, purchasing a home, or investing in causes in which we believe. We can express love in the gifts money allows us to give others. Money provides security, which is the very thing most people seek. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship and what you can do about it; part three- friends

There is a reason the saying, “three’s a crowd” exists. People are dyadic (meaning two) in nature. For this reason, people tend to pair up in friendships and love. And when there are three people in any long-term group, the dynamic can become unclear and competitive.

As everyone wants to feel a sense of belonging, members in groups of three sometimes go to great lengths to vie for their position. Often, one or more people feel excluded at various times in groups of three. Read more

Eight seemingly benign things that can destroy your relationship and what you can do about it; part two- work

I ask many of the couples I work with what they do for fun. While some can answer, others cannot come up with one single “for fun” activity.

Other couples answer the question with individual activities that each partner enjoys without the other partner present. And yet other couples report that since they have had children, they don’t do anything for fun together except activities that directly involve the children. Read more